We
are all aware of the 'patriarchal-ness' of our society. Yet, the awareness of actually how deeply ingrained this tilt is, comes on paying attention to minute details of the small-talks we
participate in on a day-to-day basis. The breakfast table
conversation at my hostel on the aftermath of the hideous 16/12 incident
largely floated around the assertion that: she knew it was Delhi; she should
have never ventured out so late!
We've been thought to
dress appropriately, speak appropriately, and find some mechanism to blend in.
Obviously, being distinct or expressing promiscuity is for the bollywood stars
who have bodyguards. If you’re a regular working/studying woman and you dare to
be different, you obviously invited the lewd comment or gestures. I remember
hearing since childhood that wearing a skirt or lipstick invites men's 'ghalat
nazar'. Such girl's are considered 'ghalat ladkiyan'. In fact, we mustn’t even dress too
much in front of our male relatives. They’re men after all! Pray
why never the thought of reforming those with the 'nazar'!
We see it daily.
Women cook, clean, wash husbands’ dirty underwear. They walk around with a
sensor of the husband’s mood and know when to stop talking to avoid triggering
his anger button.
Going out of your way for the comfort of a spouse is a happy thing. A needed thing. But there's a positive way of doing this, one which
involves love, no fear, no compulsion, one which is reciprocal.
Being of ‘marriage-able’
age I'm open about the fact that I'm looking for a suitable match. I often find
myself frustrated with the questions such: what was wrong with him?! What
'exactly' do you want in guy? Suffice to say I don't have a recipe-book with specifically specified ingredients of 'what I want?'. I
often end up confusing my family when I say 'I just couldn't connect with him'.
"Connection. Really? That's whats going to sustain a marriage?", seems to be the general feeling at such instances.
In recent times, I have often questioned my single- marriageable-age male friends about their choice in a
partner. Four out of five think it is but natural that she'll cook! Once when I
candidly asserted I don't enjoy house-chores and would surely out-source them,
few of my colleagues disapprovingly asserted they'd surely marry a
village-girl.City
girls have obviously gone to the dumps. One even had a mini-fit and said 'It's not furniture I'm marrying. I intend to
love and protect my wife. Why would she not do house-chores!'
It's a sad state of
affairs when we equate a woman's love to whether or not she's cooking. Men must
accept that today women wouldn't be marrying for security but because she wants
a friend, a partner, for the journey of life. Isn't that what you want too? Or
would clean underwear and cooked meals suffice?
I know I can't even
begin to measure just how deep-seated this malaise is. Or what's a sure-shot
solution. But here's a plan of action:
1. Stop using men in our lives as bodyguards- brothers, boyfriends, classmates.
It’s time we stop labeling ourselves vulnerable. Learn to protect yourself.
Learn self-defense, carry pepper-spray cans.
2. Be informed. Read. Know the laws of the land, know your rights.
3. Report; Come what may. If you’re the victim or someone you know is. Even
though our police sometimes deter us from reporting, we must. Find the time.
Make the effort. You owe it to other women.
4. Discuss; with the vegetable vendor-woman, lady who collects the garbage
daily. Incite confidence in those who have lesser resources, lesser confidence.
Support those who are less-informed. It's your duty being a woman.
5. Don't cow down; travel. Travel far. Travel alone. Claim the nights. Why
should you give up on the joys of life?
6. Take responsibility; of yourself, of your parents and siblings. Be the
bread-winner. Work hard. Find your calling, be it becoming a home maker or a
globe-trotter. Do it because you want to do it.
Shabana Azmi recently
tweeted: We don't want to be labeled goddesses.
It's true. What’s the pointed of being disrespected as goddesses?
Just
treat us as equals.That's all we need
from men. For all else we must self-sustain.
5 comments:
"The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any". Read what you have penned and expressed so beautifully, pondered over it and here is what I think, of all the problems anyone faces in the world, the thinking is that the problem and solution lies outside of us, when it truly is within!
23 year old girl, fought to the last drop of her blood in 1858 for her Jhansi if she can do then so can every other women in our home, kitchen, living room... And indeed our country! Changing the world may be a big thing but surely we can start with our self with our homes, for if we want the real culprit we only need look in mirror! When the minds are free, hearts sour high in the sky and the rainbow the colors the world makes it so serenely beautiful!!
That's beautiful Pat :)
That's an excellent article Shraddha, I didn't knew you wrote so good. I agree with your perspective, but you see, from a guys perspective, gender stereotypes exist for both parties. Not just for a girl. You know, when a guy comes to meet a girl. The first question they ask is ladka kamata kitna hai. Now a girl, who thinks she is equal. Why would her family rank the guy based on his monetary status. When married girls/women earn, they seldom contribute to the house income. If the guy asks her as an equal, everyone will say, kaisa aadmi hai, aurat ka khata hai. If a couple go for a date, and the guy don't foot in the bill. What a cheap stake, etc etc. Sometimes this same guy feels like a living ATM machine. But its a guy, who cares. But if he expects his wife to do something in return. All hell breaks loose. How could he ask her to cook. Until we break the gender stereotypes that plague our society, things will always skewed for both parties...
Hi Sam!
It is one hundred percent true that gender equality must pervade in both directions.
Girls do spend on dates too, these days. And I for one am never attracted to guy based upon his pay package or vehicle. Any girl abusing or misusing her boyfriend or husband or brother is unacceptable. And just like a woman must stand for her rights, so must a man.
Men must absolutely not allow themselves to be treated as objects.
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